I am like the ocean.
The tranquil waves cannot move violently when I am at peace,
But when aggravated, I can be a violent,
vicious storm affecting others around me
And even then if I stop lashing out,
I will still be rough and difficult to swim over
Though the community surrounding me is lively and able to prosper,
but even that community can be dangerous sometimes
The blue waters go on over the horizon, never ending
And if I were to be in the middle of nothingness other than water, will make me powerless
Go down deep into the abyss, and the atmosphere will get darker, and darker,
until the pressure crushes you
Whenever there is is something that opens up, I will fill it in
Deep down holds many treasures beyond imagination
if you go deep enough to find it
Though these waters never tend to stop moving
Getting bored of moving back and forth on the same shore,
it will eventually depart
Though I usually carelessly drift away, sometimes letting trash to drift with me as I go
Requiring another person to cleanse the waters I cannot clean myself
The waters can be cold at times, but just play around in it, and I will become warmer,
perhaps making you feel cold again for your departure
I shine bright with a passion of what I like on the surface
Even if it is weird on the inside
Try not to give the metaphor away right in the beginning. Though I like the idea of starting off this way, but it should be stated so obviously. You have great connections between yourself and the oceans. Overall I really like your poem!
ReplyDeleteGreat poem! Kael, your poem was absolutely lovely and, throughout the piece I could hear your voice.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there a few fixes I feel that you could implement and, it would be even better.
1. As, you already are aware you stated your metaphor right on the first line. Because, of this it gives away what you are trying to paint in the viewers mind and it gives them a shortcut instead of figuring what it is.
2. I believe that you should explain on how the community is dangerous because, I'm curious on how they are dangerous. If you explain it then, it would be even more clear on what you mean by that.
You need to fix your form, it must be four stanzas and six lines in each!
ReplyDelete